Offering love where love is not due

Love.
It's a hard thing.
Obviously I'm not talking about romantic love, nor am I talking about loving friends. That isn't hard. That comes easily. But when we talk about that sort of love, we are talking about a feeling. And a feeling is not what I'm talking about.
Feelings aren't hard to express. They come naturally to us. Actions are harder, especially when they go against our feelings. If we're mad at someone, our natural reaction as humans with sinful natures is not to go up and hug them and start a lovely conversation with them. To be honest, when I'm mad at someone, the first natural reaction that comes to my mind is hitting the person right in the smacker. Though grace is working in me, the sinful nature still resides in my being, and in everyone else as well. We don't naturally offer love where it is not due. We don't naturally offer kindness to people who have hurt us. It goes against every part of our sinful nature.
However, as Christians, we are called to offer love where it seems like it is least deserved. This is a practice God has been trying to teach me. Recently, I've been reminded of things that people have done to me in the past and pain that they have caused to me. My natural reaction would be to hurt them back, but through reading the Bible, I have been reminded that that is not the way God would have me act towards these people. And although I could sit here all day and "remind" God of all the things people have done to me, and how it isn't fair, as Rich Mullins once amusingly stated, there is no point in fighting with God because He always wins.
God has called us to a higher standard than the world. We are to show love to those who have hurt us, just as Christ showed love to those who hurt Him. To me, Christ's most loving act on earth was not His healing, not His raising from the dead, not His reaching out to the poor and the forgotten, but when He was hanging on the cross, bleeding, almost dead, and He asked God to forgive those who were mocking Him and spitting on Him. That is truly a marvelous act of grace and love. Christ not only handled His death without biting back, but even asked God to show grace and forgiveness to those who had killed Him. Because Christ lived in such a way, we are called to do the same, as Peter says in 1 Peter 1:15, "But as He Who called you is holy, you also be holy in all conduct."
Why are we called to love? Because, as John states in 1 John 4:8, God is love. We cannot abide with someone Who is in and of Himself love. It's impossible. It's like trying to mix water and oil. Love and hate do not mix, and cannot mix. In fact, 1 John 4:20 puts it this bluntly, "If anyone says, 'I love God,' and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen." That's pretty intense. John is saying that we cannot love God if we don't love the people around us. That is because love and hate, like water and oil, don't mix. We are to love those around us just as Christ first loved us.
But how are we to love? 1 John 3:18 puts it this way, "Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth." Hm. Now that puts an interesting spin on things. I don't know about in other parts of the country or world, but here in the South, there is plenty of honey-covered words with lots of "bless their hearts" and "oh that poor dear" and "I just love that dear old soul." And although that's all fine and good, John is telling us here that we can't just say loving things. We have to do loving acts. As I said before, although love is typically defined as a feeling, in the Bible it is described as an action. If you turn to 1 Corinthians 13, the most commonly read chapter in the Bible about love, you don't see one word about feelings. Love is an action: it is being patient, kind, humble, calm, hopeful, and enduring. If someone hurts you, you will naturally feel a certain way. The Bible doesn't say to feel a certain way. But it does say to act a certain way. Acting against our natural sinful inclinations is strange to us, and looks weird to others. But God didn't call us to be normal, He called us to be holy. Thus, we are to act in such a way as to glorify Him. Loving others glorifies Him and shows others His love. We are to love others in deed.
I think one of the most amazing ways that the Bible describes love is in 1 Corinthians 13:8, which says, "Love never ends." Love never ends. It doesn't stop. We are to love others in deed, and not only that, but we are to love each other endlessly. That is where the world typically twists the definition of love the most. Our culture tells us that love often does end. That's why divorces are so common and why people fight and end friendships so much. It's because today's mindset is that love does end. That's because they believe love is a feeling. And if that were the case, then yes, love will wane, and sometimes completely end. We won't always have feelings of love toward our friends or spouse. Hard times will come and try to shake love. Feelings won't last. But since love is an action, it can last. When feelings wane and when hard times come, feelings won't carry us through. Feelings are fragile and go back and forth. Set actions, however, are not fragile, and they don't go back and forth. So when feelings fall apart, true love will carry through. True love never ends.

As I am reminded of these aspects of love, I remember that even when I don't feel like offering love to someone, and even when it appears that they don't deserve it, we are told to love those who hurt us. We are told to love our enemies, just as Christ loved those who hated Him. Through Christ, we have the ability to do so.
"In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent His only Son into the world, so that we might live through Him. In this love, not that we have loved God but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another."
-1 John 4:9-11

Summer Ambitions

That's right, summer. That inexpressibly beautiful time of year when everything seems as if it should be vintage. Lovely 70s-like pictures from the beach, retro Volkswagen vans, Wayfarers, and droll summer light dancing on the ground. Summer is also comprised of good books on rainy days when you read by the lamp light, stormy nights when the power goes out and you only have hurricane lamps and flash lights to see things with. Gardens with beans hanging drowsily from the stems and tomatoes smiling with their beautiful red faces.
Yes, summer is a lovely time. And for me, it's always been a lazy time. A time to relax and prepare for the next school year. However, this year, I have no choice but to be industrious. As much as I would love to spend my afternoons looking at retro pictures from the 60s on Pinterest or watching sweet summer flicks like The Last Song, I have no choice this summer but to spend my time well. And quite honestly, I'm glad. My senior year is approaching and I need to be used to having a strict schedule that I follow daily.
My main goal this summer is to spend my time preparing for what I'm planning on majoring in in college. If my plans stay the same, I will be double majoring in Art History and English and minoring in photography. Because of these plans, I want to make my summer revolve around art, literature, and photography. Although I do have other plans, I'm trying to prepare myself for what lies ahead. I'm trying to build my skills up so that I will be prepared for college when I leave.
So without further adieu, here is a list of things I want to do this summer:

1. Spend one day a week doing four to five hours of school and spend at least three other days out of the week doing one to two hours of school.
The reason I have to do this is I have to complete two more maths before I graduate (or I want to), and I can't do it all in one year. Also, I want to complete chemistry and possibly start on economics this summer so that I can take more dual enrolled classes next year at my local community college.
2. Develop a quiet time each morning.
I will admit, with quite a bit of shame, that I have been quite slack in spending time with God this school year. As many excuses as I could give, they're not good enough, as God should always be first in my life. I know I'll be in college soon, and I'll be solely responsible for my spiritual life. I want to focus on spending time with God this summer. Facebook and Pinterest can wait until later.
3. Spend at least one hour a day doing photography and art.
As I said, I want to focus on my art this summer. I have never been a natural artist - I don't draw well, I can't paint to save my life, and I can't imagine that I'd be terribly talented with pastels or charcoal, or really any other medium for that matter. But I believe I can develop those, and I'd at least like to try to, since I'll have to take at least one or two studio art classes in college and I don't want to humiliate myself. Besides, these are my passions, and I believe God has placed these loves in my heart for a reason.
4. Translate Latin two to four days a week.
I'm taking my last Latin class next year, which will be my fourth year in Latin. And not only will it be Latin, but it will be AP Latin. Yes, I'm taking an AP Latin class and taking the AP test for it. I'm insane. I know. But since I will be doing that, I want to keep the grammar and vocabulary fresh in my mind. In order to keep it all in mind, I will be translating Winnie the Pooh from Latin. Oh yeah. I'm just that freaking awesome.
5. Read at least one or two hours a day. Complete 20-40 books.
I have been terribly slack on my reading this past year, and I miss it. I absolutely adore reading, especially some good 'ol depressing books like Animal Farm, The Great Gatsby, Lord of the Flies, and such lovely books as those. *wink* Okay, so I do enjoy other books. I'm game for anything by Dickens, Austen, Montgomery, Alcott, Lowry, Bronte, Shakespeare, Lewis.... okay, so I'm game for a lot of books. I want to build up a great reading list to submit to any colleges that may want to see one. I'll be putting a list below my goals for this summer of books that I'm considering reading.
6. Learn at least one or two George Winston songs.
So... not many people know this yet, but I quit taking piano lessons. I haven't really enjoyed taking lessons for quite a while now. I don't like it that I have to practice. I'd rather decide when and what I want to play. Even though I quit taking lessons, I want to keep playing at least some, because I do enjoy playing the piano. I'm planning on learning a few songs this summer to add to my repertoire so that if someone begs me to play, I'll have something to play for them.

And those are my main goals for the summer! I have a few more that I may or may not do, depending on how much time I end up having after completing all of those things.

As for books that I want to read this summer, here is a list I have compiled. I may end up reading other books, these are just some ideas that I had:
Life of Pi - Yann Martel
The Christian Mind - Harry Blamires
The Good Earth - Pearl S. Buck
What is Art? - Leo Tolstoy
Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
Around the World in Eighty Days - Jules Verne
Walden - Henry David Thoreau
Tender is the Night - F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Red Pony - John Steinbeck
Freckles - Gene Stratton-Porter
State of the Arts - Gene Edward Veith
The Innocence and Wisdom of Father Brown - G.K. Chesterton
Orthodoxy - G.K. Chesterton
Mansfield Park - Jane Austen
The Purpose of Man - A.W. Tozer
Number the Stars - Lois Lowry
The Story Girl - L.M. Montgomery
The Picture of Dorian Gray - Oscar Wilde
The Tenant of Wildfell Hall - Anne Bronte
The Law of Kindness - Mary Beeke
Eight Cousins - Louisa May Alcott
Dracula - Bram Stoker
Messenger - Lois Lowry
Bleak House - Charles Dickens
Miracles - C.S. Lewis
The Scarlet Letter - Nathaniel Hawthorne
The Foundling - Charlotte Bronte
The House of Seven Gables - Nathaniel Hawthorne
Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
A Farewell to Arms - Ernest Hemingway
The Last of the Mohicans - James Cooper
Our Town - Thornton Wilder
The Death of Ivan Ilych - Leo Tolstoy
The Old Man and the Sea - Ernest Hemingway
Death of a Salesman - Arthur Miller
Cry, the Beloved Country - Alan Paton
Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
1984 - George Orwell
The Pearl - John Steinbeck
Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
Counterfeit Gods - Timothy Keller
Shadow of the Almighty - Elisabeth Elliot
Agnes Grey - Anne Bronte
Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
Les Miserables - Victor Hugo
The Hunchback of Notre Dame - Victor Hugo

Obviously I will not be reading all of these books, but I thought it worth my while to write out a long list anyway. I'm still in the process of finishing a few books before the summer begins, and I have a little less than a week to do so. But we'll see how that goes.

Our home school graduation is on Saturday, and my brother, cousin, and one of my best friends are graduating! Can't believe it. I'll most likely be doing a post on that sometime next week, though you may not be able to expect it until sometime after Tuesday, as I have an AP to prep for. After that, it will be summer time, and you will most likely expect more from me.

Hope you all have lovely evenings! Cheerio!

This is the power of Christ in me - BEDA #8

Luke 24:3-7
But when they went in they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. While they were perplexed about this, behold, two men stood by them in dazzling apparel. And as they were frightened and bowed their faces to the ground, the men said to them, “Why do you seek the living among the dead? He is not here, but has risen. Remember how he told you, while he was still in Galilee, that the Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men and be crucified and on the third day rise.”

Christ is alive.
And because He is alive, we are alive in Him.
That is the power of Christ in me.

 

There in the ground His body lay

Light of the world by darkness slain

Then bursting forth in glorious day

Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me

For I am His and He is mine

Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life no fear in death

This is the power of Christ in me

From life's first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell no scheme of man

Can ever pluck me from His hand

'Til He returns or calls me home

Here in the power of Christ I'll stand 

Sunday is Coming - BEDA #7

Friday seemed like the end.
Friday seemed like the destruction of hope.

But Friday was a beginning.
A promise.
The New Covenant.
We are now able to be alive in Christ.
We didn't have to pay the price.
He payed the price.
On Friday.
And Sunday is coming.

Merry Christmas here's to many more

It's almost Christmas day.
As I sit on my bed with my Christmas, knee-toe socks, listening to my favorite Relient K Christmas songs, I can barely believe it's almost here. It feels like the season just began. And now it's almost over.
I've spent the past few days doing typical Christmasy things. Thursday was my baking fest: two batches of cookies, a batch of fudge, and two pecan pies. Three hours in the kitchen. It's not very often that I have the time or inclination to bake for three (or maybe it was four...) hours, but it just seemed like a classic Christmas thing to do. And oh how I do love baking. It fills the air with a scents of Christmas. (aha. Look at what I did there. Isn't that funny? No? Okay...)
Christmas presents galore today. My cousins, my brother, and I all went out mid afternoon today to do last minute Christmas shopping. Shops bursting at the seams with lots of folks and people smiling more than usual. Boots and hats and sweaters if you felt like being Christmasy even though it was in the 60s or 70s. It's so lovely to see everyone with Christmas in their hearts.
Despite the fact that I'm 16, Christmas holds a certain magic to it. I've almost always been one of those starry eyed, head-in-the-clouds kind of girls - reading the whole Anne of Green Gables series didn't help matters much. And so when something that's generally known as magical comes around, I'm all the more starry eyed, head-in-the-clouds. If you had been looking out the window of one of the houses in my neighborhood today, you might have spotted me skipping down the street gleefully looking at the pretty clouds and bright blue skies listening to Christmas Lights on my iPod. Every Christmas, and this year particularly, certain songs, smells, sights remind me of being a little kid. It's so beautiful.
I love how there is one time in the year that everyone wants to spend it doing traditional things, and spend it remembering, loving, cherishing those dear old memories of long ago (or not so long ago). Everyone becomes a child around Christmas. Everyone comes together, and there's a sense of love and that wintry color of blue in the air.

Every day during the Christmas season, I'm more than likely to get the chills thinking about a perfect Christmas scene. I smile as I open my windows in the morning and look at the chilly morning outside, frost on the ground, blue light making its way through the clouds covering any and all sky. If no one is looking, I might twirl around the kitchen for a full minute while humming I Hate Christmas Parties. I still go in the dining room where our Christmas tree is to count presents. I'll sit on my bed drinking chai or hot chocolate staring complacently out into the wintry clouds listening to I Celebrate the Day. And I may or may not dance around my room lip-syncing to All I Want for Christmas is You if I'm in not such a cozy-sweaters-and-chai mood.

Yes, indeed, I believe something fills me around Christmas that no other time of year can do. Oh yes, I'm a generally very happy person. But at Christmas I find a little bit more secret kind of joy. It's not the kind that everyone can see. It's a deep feeling of absolute bliss. A feeling of winter and blue skies and snow and white lights. A simple kind of peace. Peace.... candles flickering. Knitting fingerless gloves and leg warmers. Blankets and good books. Fires. It's that simplicity and complete contentedness that makes my heart so thrilled. And although if you were to look at me at such a moment of contentedness, you might only see a slight smile, as Anne of Green Gables would say, "I'm thrilled to the very depths of my soul."

I don't know if everyone enjoy Christmas in such a childish way as I do, but I believe that most people enjoy some sort of light feeling around the heart at this time of year. Amid all the stress of present wrapping and Christmas cookie baking, I think most people find some time to sit down and appreciate some sort of James Taylor easiness in their soul. (and if they don't, they must have an absolutely rotten month) It's so good to be around people who all feel that kind of joy.
One thing that has changed since when I was kid was that all I ever used to think about were the presents. Sure, I liked looking at lights and watching Christmas movies, but it all led up to the day that you actually opened presents. Now I couldn't care less about the presents. I just love the general mood. The beauty and wonder of the smiling heart. I care about the love that is spread. And I care about the childlike wonder that people are more likely to feel around Christmastime. It's a beautiful thing.

Another beautiful thing is the story about a teenage girl, a carpenter, and a baby born in a stable and placed in an animal trough. The story that continues to a cross. The story that tells of a loving Savior. One that would allow us to receive grace and redemption. The Christmas story gives us the promise stated in Ephesians 2:4-7, "But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ - by grace you have been saved - and raised us up with Him and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages He might show the immeasurable riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus." We have received this grace because of that lovely story that Linus tells in A Charlie Brown Christmas. Tidings of great joy. On earth peace and good will toward men.

Fragile finger sent to heal us

Tender brow prepared for thorn

Tiny heart whose blood will save us

Unto us is born

Unto us is born

So wrap our injured flesh around You

Breathe our air and walk our sod

Rob our sin and make us holy

Perfect Son of God

Welcome to our world 

Merry Christmas!
Here's to many more


{and I'm off to enjoy the typical Christmas Eve traditions - crab soup, opening one present, and watching a delightful Christmas classic... most likely It's a Wonderful Life or How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Oh how I love them both. Who doesn't love Dr. Seuss and Jimmy Stewart?}

To Recognize, to Know

People have a certain beauty about them. And of course we've all heard the cliched statement, "Everyone is different. Everyone is special in their own way." But as I build closer and closer relationships with people, the more I realize this statement is true. Each person is special in their own way. Why? The first chapter of Genesis informs us, "So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them." God created us. I've always loved imagining God as the Creator. I may not be the most this way, but I can be a somewhat artsy person. And being that way, I can see why God loves all of His creation so much, and why He cares for all of it so much. But also, I love that He makes each thing different - just as an artist does. An artist may have a general style, but each thing he creates is unique and incredible in its own way. God has a way of making each person entirely unique. Entirely different. With an entirely different story.
As a child, I didn't understand the uniqueness of each person. My parents always told me that everyone has an entirely unique lifestyle, and entirely unique way of thinking. I used to imagine, "Weelll... what if someone rode their bike at the -exact- same time I did, spent time with their family at the -exact- same time I did, looked -exactly- like I do, etc. etc." After I grew older though, I began to realize that no one is going to have the exact same experience. No one is going to think the same way, have the same opinions, have experienced the same joys and pains.
In any case, my purpose for this post was not to give you cheesy, warm, fuzzy feelings. On the contrary, I have something I want to point out. And perhaps it's a random hangup that I have. But it's something that I've noticed more and more lately, and as my mom would say, it's getting on my case. I have realized that people, even close friends, will stereotype a person to the point that they don't see the other qualities and traits of a person. For instance, one of my friends is extremely intelligent. He's smart, intellectual, theologically sound, all of that grand stuff. But people fail to look beyond that sometimes. Oftentimes they'll look at him and say, "Oh look at him! He's the guy who is intelligent and intellectual." And yes, that is part of his unique self, but do we look beyond it? Why do we not look beyond that to see the entire person? To see all of the interesting traits? Another one of my friends has a reputation for being silly. And yes, she's silly. Extremely silly. Hilariously silly. I love her silliness. But she and myself constantly become annoyed when no one else realizes that she has other traits besides that. For me? I have a reputation for being cute. I don't have any earthly idea why, but over the past year or so, I have picked up the reputation of being "the cute one." Now don't get me wrong, I don't mind being called cute. It's a compliment. It's nice. But I get extremely frustrated when every other word I say, every other expression I make, someone blurts out, "Oh my gawsh Madison, you are so adorable!" Um. Thanks?
Of course we're all going to have more prominent traits. Some people are musically inclined, some people get 800s on their SAT scores, some people are Mr. Fix-its, some people are good at giving advice, some people have an eye for fashion, some people are theologically sound, some people always have a song to go along with the conversation at hand, etc. These are things that are going to stand out to us. But my point is, I don't like it when that's all we notice. I don't like it when that's the only thing people go so far to observe. When people call me cute or adorable, yes, it's nice, but I wish they would look beyond just that. These things are so superficial. We all have our own traits and talents, and it's important, especially with your close friends, to observe these. It's important to sit down and listen to a person, to learn about them, to know them.
Each person has their story. Each person does not consist of one talent, one trait, one idiosyncrasy. We should never judge a person by the one trait that particularly stands out. Because people are a world of traits. People have a world of knacks. People have a world of trials and seasoning that no one else has. My dad has always told me that people want to be known. And honestly, that's one of the biggest chunks of wisdom anyone has ever given me. People do want to be known. It's part of our nature to want to be known - the whole person.
Don't judge a book by its cover.
Recognize the uniqueness.
Know the story.
God created this person to be known by Him and by other people. Don't just love one mannerism. Don't go by the superficial. Love the whole person.

{out of these ashes}

So.
You'll all recall that a couple of posts ago, I was talking about how my dog, Winston, had been going through major health problems, but was going to be okay.
That all has changed.
Me and my brother are currently at a camp that is two weeks long. I've thoroughly enjoyed myself, laughed a lot, learned heaps and heaps, and just generally had a marvelous time.
Until Sunday afternoon.
My dad called me, and asked me what was up. I proceeded to tell him how me and several of my friends were just chilling out. I was curious as to why he was calling me at all, but I just sat there and talked. My dad's voice started shaking. And he told me the news: Winston was doing badly, still. Even after all the medication we were giving him, he was doing badly. He said there was a big possibility we would have to put him down.
On Monday they drained four pounds of fluid off of him. The vet told my mom there wasn't really anything else we could do. We had tried giving him medication for two or three weeks, but it hasn't helped him at all. He wasn't eating. He was starving to death. We had tried everything to get him to eat, but nothing was working. He proceeded to get worse and worse. My mom told me on Monday afternoon they would wait until Spencer and I got home from camp to put him down. I cried again.
Today, my dad called me. And I knew what he was going to say. He told me they were taking him to put him down. My mom texted me when I was in line for lunch, and told me the reason they had to do it was because he was so agitated, and he hadn't even been able to keep water down. Never in my life have I felt so physically and emotionally drained. It's so painful to know that I wasn't able to tell him goodbye. Or to give him one last kiss. By now, Winston has been put down and has been buried down at my aunt's and uncle's house. I cried in my dorm room for an hour and a half, which is a new record for me (as my typical length of crying would amount to about... two or three minutes... tops?).
As I sat in my room, I pondered all the things I would miss about Winston. And I couldn't stop myself from crying continually. Because he is literally, honestly gone. And that concept is so hard for my mind to wrap around; and it's not only so difficult, it's so painful. And I keep asking the question, "Why?" In things like this, it's so hard to see God's grace and mercy. I keep praying that He'll give me and my family peace and a strength to carry on. But all the same, the timing seems to be the worst. Spencer and I are at camp. My 16th birthday is coming up. School is starting soon. And you begin to wonder what God's plan is. I know He only does what is best, but sometimes it's so difficult to trust Him. But I will trust Him, even tho this time is completely darkened by Winston's death. I believe that beauty will rise from these ashes. I believe God has a purpose. I believe God knows what He is doing. I believe.

But all the things I'll miss about Winston.....
-The way he was always "smiling"
-Him barking every time someone came over
-Him hiding under my brother's bed when he was scared
-The way he wiggled his butt whenever we got home from something
-When he was "blinky" and looked so cuddly
-Whenever he licked me on the face
-His fluffy face that I adore waayyy too much
-When he would come up next to you when he was really tired and sleep right next to you

And before I start crying in the computer lab, I better stop.

I love you Winston. I'll never stop loving you. I miss you. Love you buddy. <3

Crying for Joy

This is a first in my life.
Call me unemotional... it's what I am.
But I have never cried for joy until....
Now.

I'm sitting here typing with tears rolling down my cheeks trying to find some way to thank God for what He has done.
This past week has been the longest, and one of the hardest weeks of my life. If you've been reading my blog for even a month or two, you'll recall that about a month ago was our dog's - Winston - birthday. Just turned four years old. I can't even express how much I love that dog.
Call me obsessed.... it's what I am.
Anyway, on June 21st, a little over two weeks ago, tho it feels like two months ago, we took Winston in to be groomed. Winston had been acting kind of strange the past two months or so. He had become very quiet rather than being his rambunctious self, and he was barely eating, which was unbelievably strange for him. He has been obsessed with food pretty much ever since we got him. But even though he hadn't been eating, he looked fat.
Or, rather, he looked fat.
But he wasn't. We got him back from the groomer, and found that his whole back was completely emaciated. Nothing but bones. Yet his stomach was huge - it was bloated.
We took him to the vet that Friday, being so completely freaked out about his health. They drained two pounds of fluid off of him. Two. Whole. Pounds. Kind of freaked us out, but it explained for the bloat. We hoped he would get better.
Took him back in on Monday. And what happened? They drained two and a half more pounds of fluid off of him. The vet told suggested to us that we take him up to an emergency animal hospital... two hours away from here. I was freaking out. I knew this was big time. Not good. I cried a lot that day. And I never cry. I even went somewhere without nearly a scrap of makeup on, and that tells you something right there. We drove all the way up to this emergency hospital. They took Winston back. We saw a vet soon after we got there, who told us the possibilities of what Winston had. One of them being cancer, which appeared likely, and of course unfortunately something that couldn't be fixed. The vet told us how much the testing would cost, and it blew us away. The cost was unbelievable. My mom called my dad to ask what he wanted to do. He said no. We went back home... a long two hour drive back home.
On Tuesday of last week, my mom called our local vet to see if there was anything else we could do. She said there wasn't, since we didn't have any kind of a diagnosis. I cried more that day. Lots more.
Oh, and I must put in a side note to explain why this was so intense for us. Me and my brother are about to go to a two week long worldview summer camp in a few days, and we were afraid Winston would either have to be put down beforehand, which would lessen our experience, or that Winston would die while we were gone, again making it impossible to get anything out of camp. That just made it all the harder to handle.
Anyway, our local vet told my mom pretty much the only thing we could do is put him down. But that would be without knowing if we could have helped him or not. My mom called my dad once again, aannddd my dad changed his mind. We took Winston back up to the emergency hospital on Tuesday. Four hour round trip two days in a row will wear you out.

They did the last test on Winston on Thursday, and we picked him up Friday. From Friday on, it's been the longest four days ever. Winston, on Friday night, was completely out. He looked really bad, really sick, really close to dieing. I spent the night with my cousin Friday night, only to get a call from my mom on Saturday at 8 in the morning telling me to come home as quickly as I could. The insinuation being Winston was about to die. I threw all my stuff in a bag, didn't change, didn't put my contacts in, nothin. Got home, and Winston seemed okay, and I was wondering exactly what the rush was. About an hour later my dad called me back. Winston had almost stopped breathing. My dad was sure he wouldn't live until noon. And yet, he lived on. Lived through that whole day. Even ate a little bit.

{winston on the way back from the emergency hospital}

Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday were just long days. Long days of uncertainty. My dad was positive Winston had cancer, because he had watched his mom die of cancer, and Winston had all the same symptoms. I woke up several mornings feeling sick inside.
I've spent a good amount of time crying this past week. I've spent a lot more time praying and trusting God. I've even been frustrated with God. But nonetheless I've tried to trust Him with everything in me.
And maybe you're thinking right now I'm too obsessed with my dog. But let me tell you, he's like a child to me. And the fact that he is only four years old just made it seem so wrong.
I've cried. I've prayed. I've trusted. I've wrestled with reality. I've written in my journal. I've read my Bible to find the only source of comfort that I have.
The vet up at the emergency hospital called yesterday, telling us the results from the biopsy would be back today. And I was expecting the worse - some kind of cancer. I prayed all day yesterday, all day today. Praying that all of us would have the strength to take whatever God's will was. Neither of our dogs have ever just been "the dog" that sits around the house and exists. They're both absolutely bound into our lives, and they're like children to all of us. Losing either of them would be an extreme loss for our whole family. I knew we'd all need strength and peace from God to take the hardest news, and what seemed the most probable news.
The vet called about an hour ago. My heart rate hit the ceiling. My mom talked with her for a long time. I was afraid for the worst since they were talking so long. What was happening? Then I heard my mom talking with my brother. She was laughing.
Wait.
She was laughing?
Surely she wouldn't be laughing or at all happy if Winston weren't okay.
My mom came back to my room. I was still nervous.
My mom said they found no traces of cancer, no reason to believe he had cancer.
What he had was treatable.
As soon as my mom left I shut my door and tears started streaming down my face. I couldn't believe it. Winston is going to be okay. I'm still so shocked. I honestly thought it was God's will that Winston would die within the next month. But it sounds like he'll be with us several more years. And I cannot thank God enough for that. I can't believe it. I feel like I'm in some joyful dream.
I seriously hope I don't wake up.



{sorry for a super long, super melodramatic post. I felt the need of getting all these emotions out somewhere. I promise my next post won't be nearly so melodramatic}

On Art

My attention has been called to art, as of late.
First I watched a session in the Truth Project that dealt with art.
Then our high school intern at church did a blog post on art.
And suddenly I felt compelled to give my own thoughts on the matter of art.

I love art. In all it's glory and everything about it. There are so many different types of art: painting, drawing, photography, writing, music - it's all beautiful and it's all a gift from God.
Ever considered art as a gift from God?
I honestly feel like God gave me the talent of photography. Which honestly is a pretty gargantuan job He has handed me. God has created all this beauty. And some people are given a particular talent to show that beauty to others. With photography, I feel like I can show at least some of the beauty He has created in my little corner of the world.
Some people are given a gift of painting - being able to express feelings and show different places, objects, emotions, and people in their own special way. Not only are they showing the beauty He has created through whatever they are painting, they're showing the beauty He has created in their souls. No person paints or does any kind of art the same way. Each person has their own way of expressing art, and through the way they express it, they are showing a part of themselves.
Art is beauty. Showing beauty. Glorifying God for the beauty He has created.

As I watched the Truth Project, I really was drawn to the fact that Del Tackett was saying so many Christians view art as evil. As wrong. As "worldly."
But how can that be? If art is showing beauty, then how can it be evil or worldly? God created all of this beauty. Shouldn't we share it? How is sharing His beauty wrong or evil? Comprehending this question was a new view for me. Honestly, I've never viewed art as evil. Obviously, art can be twisted into something bad. Everything can be twisted. But inherently, is it worldly? No.
A "guest speaker" for the Truth Project, who is an artist, said it beautifully. He said that art, obviously, can be twisted into something evil.
But as Christians, it is our job to twist it back into something pure. Something good. Something beautiful.

God is the founder of all beauty. He is the founder of art. Christians have been given the job of retaining the purity of what He has created.

However, art has taken a twist for the worse in the past century.
And I don't mean to be a hater or anything, but I honestly think we have a problem when there is modern art and metal music in the world.
You may feel completely different about this kind of thing, but how can I say anything else? Modern art and metal music is not retaining the beauty God has created. When Paul says in Philippians to think about things that are pure, lovely, and excellent, he was talking about literally everything. Including art.
Think about it. As Christians, are we not supposed to be supporting and creating lovely things? Obviously. And when we support the modern art movement, we're supporting "art" that looks like a five year old's scribbles. Lovely? Not quite. It's formless. It has no shape or beauty. Some say, "Oh, modern art is just expressing the painters feelings." Yes, but isn't that what artists have been doing for the past thousands of years? Compare the following paintings:




Now. Compare. First picture. Did it express the artist's "emotions"? Perhaps. But can you tell what the heck it's supposed to "express"? Well. I can't. And if you can't even tell what it expresses, does it matter that the "artist" was supposedly trying to express anything?
Second picture. (favorite artist by the way) Does it express emotion? Obviously. To me, this painting captures some of the strongest emotions I've ever seen in a painting. But you can tell what it is. It's beautiful. It's creative. It has form and meaning.

However, after all of this talk of showing God's beauty, I want to make something clear.
Now you'll recall at the beginning of this post, I mentioned that my intern high school pastor did a blog post on art. And although this has already crossed my mind, I think he put it so beautifully, I had to quote him:

"I believe that this is when God will be most satisfied, when His people find joy, beauty, peace, and goodness in all the good things that He has created and when they produce art that is no longer a 'Christian' version of what the world likes, but art that is so true and glorious that the world cannot help but notice."
-Josh

Beautifully put? I think so.
For a while, a few years ago, I thought everything should be Christian. Christian this and Christian that. Music, art, just about anything that could be turned into something Christian.
I no longer think that way.
As I said earlier, God created beauty. So beauty doesn't have to be turned into something Christian. It already is. It's God-given. And honestly, don't you think we'd reach more people if our art wasn't "Christian" but was something that was, as Josh said, so absolutely glorious that the world would want to reach out and touch the beauty? Art is full of God. Sure, people can try to remove Him from beauty, but isn't it sort of hard to remove the Creator from the created thing? It's like trying to remove the fact that an artist painted a picture. It's like saying the artist has no relevance to the picture. But isn't the piece of art just a reflection of the artist? In other words, art doesn't have to be Christian to reach other people, or to be beautiful and completely relevant to God and glorifying Him.
If He gave you a gift of art, use it with all your might to glorify Him. It can reach the lost, lighten the soul of a Christian, and bring joy to a dark world.

Amazing?
Yes.

Christ is Risen

But the angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid,

for I know that you seek Jesus
Who was crucified.
He is not here,
for He has risen, as He said."

Happy Easter everyone! I have been so joyful today as I remember that Christ is risen indeed. And we have full assurance that we can have life through Him. Today is the most important day on the calendar, because it is the day we remember we have salvation that we never could have gained ourselves.
This day is especially important because, as Paul said, if Jesus had just died, and not risen, we would have no assurance of faith. Paul said in 1 Corinthians 15:17-19, "And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile and you are still in your sins. Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ have perished. If in Christ we have hope in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied." But then Paul goes on to say in verse 20, "But in fact Christ has been raised from the dead." Therefore, we have assurance of salvation. Christ is risen, just as He said.

He poured out His soul to death
and was numbered with the transgressors;
yet He bore the sins
of many
and makes intercession for the transgressors.
Isaiah 53:12

Shout for joy to God, all the earth;
sing the glory of His name;
give to Him glorious praise!

Psalm 66:1-2

One of -those- weeks

Yeah, one of those weeks. One of these weeks:

• The lady you're supposed to babysit for cancels (and you seriously needed $25)
  
• Some of your best friends avoid you or treat you like you're weird
• You drop a cupcake in front of your youth group... icing down, of course
• You lose a $15 ticket to a dinner theater presentation
• You snap at your friends even when you don't mean it..... or... sometimes you do mean it but you shoulda kept your mouth gorilla glued shut
• You spill your chai tea latte in Starbucks
• You eat too much instead of losing weight right before prom
• You feel slightly depressed and blaahhh in and out throughout the day
  
• You memorize an extra page in your piano piece and your teacher doesn't even notice
• It rains incessantly without stopping once the whole week
• You look over at the clock for one last hope... and it's 11:12

Yeah. Those are the weeks. It's just one of those weeks when people don't really seem to care, and everything goes wrong. You get mad at everything. And seriously, rain and clouds don't help with the mood. This week hasn't been the best I've had as of late. It's not that anything really bad has happened, and it's not that really that many things have gone wrong.... and yet all of the little things have been bad, which just tends to get you down.
But really I feel like it's during these weeks when I have to rely on God the most. It's not relying on myself, or my friends boosting me up, or anything like that. It's all God. It's so neat, because tonight in my small group at church, we went completely off the curriculum and just studied some verses in the Bible, when God is talking, and He says, "I am" or "My name is". And we came up with lots and lots of awesome verses. But I feel like one that really applies to me is Proverbs 18:10, which is ironically the verse that I read aloud. It says, "The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe." We discussed what a strong tower is. We discussed how we find safety there. When we feel most vulnerable, when we feel most weak, when we feel like we just can't even stand up, we can run into our strong tower, where safety and strength is found, and where we can be renewed.
Also, while we were sitting in small group, I came across Psalm 55:22. The first part of the verse says, "Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you." And while just flipping through my Bible tonight, I stumbled upon Psalm 43:5: "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God." We can find rest and safety in God. He promises to protect us, and shelter us, as Psalm 121:5-6 clearly state: "The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night." Christ is my shelter, the one Who will renew me, the one Who will hold me and make sure I don't fall. I think it is so incredible that God can love me that much, when I so often stumble and fall. Even when I'm going through a bad week like this and focusing on other things, He calmly and gently whispers to me, like He did with Elijah in 1 Kings 19, calling me to Himself, and reminding me I can rest in Him, and reminding me that I cannot stand without Him.
And I also love how God doesn't make things like this absolutely unbearable. There are just some things He sprinkles throughout a day, even when it's horrible, that just makes you smile and makes you think, "That was God's love showing through."
Like.....

• When I lost my dinner theater ticket, my friend who sold it to me just gave me another one
• My amazing sweet cousin gave me $5 for the heck of it
• When I spilled my latte at Starbucks, the guy who works there (yeah, the guy who knows my name ;) offered to make me another one
• Hugs from people
• Doing something in small group for a change that made me focus on God instead of myself and my problems
• Bible verses that completely apply to me that just happen to have something exactly to do with me

Things like that are just little reminders that God is watching me. I think bad weeks like this are just reminders that I need to focus on Him and love Him and spend time with Him. He -is- my life. He's my God. He is jealous for me, and He wants my love. He deserves my love and worship.
Bad weeks are bad. But they're also good. They're part of God's plan. They're there for a purpose. And God is there to help me through it. And I think that's pretty cool.

And He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me
And oh, how He loves us, oh
Oh, how He loves us, how He loves us, oh

{david crowder band}

Springtime & Nostalgia

Springtime. Oh the wondrous time of year when beautiful flowers bloom and everyone starts sneezing and schnorting (yes, schnorting is a word. Go look it up in the Madison dictionary) But honestly, I couldn't be more delighted that spring is here. Shorts and t-shirts are my kinda clothes. Slip on some flip flops and it's time to roll. Not to mention springtime seems to be a very romantic-ish time of year. Not "romantic" like weddings and love and all that mushy stuff, but romantic as in "Anne of Green Gables romantic." Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. I love the quietness and beauty of spring... David describes in well in Psalm 19, "The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims His handiwork." The universe declares God's glory. Every single flower declares God's glory, every new leaf declares God's glory... His creation is truly amazing. I love the way Charles Dickens describes spring: "It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade." Spring is really one of the most beautiful times of the year - it's filled with new life. (including the lives of roaches and spiders and stinging insects, which quite honestly, I could do without) As it says (rather poetically, of course) in Song of Solomon chapter 2, "For behold, the winter is past; the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth, the time of singing has come, and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land. The fig tree ripens it's figs, and the vines are in blossom; they give forth fragrance." I believe winter is really over... spring is coming.

Feel the sun on your skin, growing strong and warm again. Watch the ground: there's something moving, something is breaking through, new life is breaking through

Spring is coming
~Steven Curtis Chapman, Spring is Coming

"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."
~Anne Bradstreet

We all have a little nostalgia from time to time. But I think I tend to have it worse than some people sometimes. For instance.... I'm already feeling nostalgic about high school. And I'm not even out of my sophomore year. Pretty pitiful, I have to admit. Who feels nostalgic about the future? ~raises hand pitifully~
But really, high school is going by so fast. It feels like just yesterday I was the dorky freshman who was trying to be cool, but failed miserably by having dorky glasses, greasy hair, and braces. And now I'm nearly at the end of my sophomore year, and soon I'll be an upperclassman. Scary, much! The quicker life goes by, the tighter I seem to hold on to where I am now. I know that high school will be some of the best times of my life, and I don't want to let them go. I know that God has some awesome things planned for me in the future (I mean, they have to be great, right? If someone plans your life at the beginning of the world... well, you know it's pretty well planned out). I don't know what they are. They could be really tough things, they could be exciting things... they could be both. Which is what scares me. Which is why, of course, I love my high school years thus far. They've been fantastic. My high school years have definitely been the best years of my life so far, despite the wandering bits of drama that strike terror into the hearts of all high schoolers. But you know, even with that, and maybe some through that, I have made the best friends I've ever had, and had the best times of my life. There is always someone there to pray for me, to encourage me, be crazy with me, laugh with me, listen to me - really, high school has been amazing.
But God has amazing plans for me. I know He does. And even though they scare me sometimes, I know I have no reason to fear, because as Paul says in Ephesians 1, God has "... a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in Him, things in heaven and things on earth." God has an awesome plan for my life. Like I said, I don't know what He has planned for me - if it's difficult or easy or lots of both. But whatever it is, I know it's a plan that He'll carry me through. No matter what, He has promised me, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire, you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." And He goes on to say, continuing what He said in Isaiah 43, "Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you."
God loves us. He has a plan for us. I know He has a plan for me. And I'm looking forward to seeing what His plan for my life is.

" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' "
~Jeremiah 29:11

God's Ability & My Inability

You know, I really like God's sense of humor. And I just happened to experience it this morning. As I was praying this morning, I was praying for my patience. You see, I'm not exactly the most self-controlled person in the world... someone can annoy me once and
BOOM
You'll hear my anger from three and a half miles away. I know that I need more self-control and patience with others, but it isn't exactly my strong point. But like I was saying, I was praying for self-control today, and I actually prayed that I would be given a chance today to have self-control. Of course, as I was praying I was picturing a perfect moment to show my own self-control. Mhmm. I was gonna see it coming. I was going to know it was coming. And then, like a little angel with a shiny halo, I would smile sweetly and be nice and kind.
Wow.
I apparently haven't learned enough about myself yet.
So just a few hours after this, I was at my piano lesson. I have a couple of piano competitions in about two weeks. Well, right before competitions and recitals, my teacher gets really super nit-picky. Which sometimes bothers me, and sometimes doesn't. Well this morning, it was bothering me. A lot. You see, me, I'm a perfectionist. So not only was I mad at myself for continually messing up, but I was getting unbelievably annoyed with my teacher for being so nit-picky. I was losing it. Obviously, with my piano teacher, I can't be bluntly rude, but I could tell my tone of voice was picking up a lot of frustrated sounds. Kind of a sarcastic tone. And as my lesson went on, my patience got more and more tried. And then, it hit me like a bullet, and I nearly started laughing. This was my opportunity to lose my cool or stay alert and honor God. Through my frustration I was just sitting there smiling. I was laughing at myself for thinking this morning that I could be self-controlled by myself.
This really taught me a lesson - this morning, even though I was sitting there praying, I was sure that I would be able to do it all myself. Well, I can't. I can't be patient through my own power. The frustration I felt at my lesson showed me only God can give me the patience and self-control I need to honor Him. I like how God continues to show me just how incapable I am to do good without Him.

New Year & Weird Resolutions

So. It's a new year. You're probably over all the excitement of the new year... yea... it's 2011.
And as it's a new year, most everyone has made new year's resolutions which will probably last a week, at best. Well, I too, have made some new year's resolutions. But they're not quite as normal as most people's resolutions are. I actually only started making a list last night, and the weird thing about these resolutions is for one thing, I'll be adding to them all year, and for another thing, they're not even really resolutions. They're more like a list of things I want to do this year.
So without further adieu, here are some of the things on my list, which I will continue adding on to over the rest of the year:

• Read 50 books
• Take a photography class
• Read the whole Bible
• Buy two new pairs of boots
• Get an outstanding witness award [in mock trial]
• Run a 5k
• See a shooting star
• Learn the definitions of 50 obscure words
• Apply for and win a scholarship
• Meet a famous person
• Watch 50 movies

And that is part of my list. ^_^ Strange, yes, but I'm more likely to do those things than to exercise regularly, 3 times a week, without fail. And besides. I'd rather have fun this year than work my tail off trying to stay in shape.

I guess in this new year, there are two things I'm striving for:
1. Honor God and grow closer to Him
2. Have a super exciting year

I feel like I really need to spend more time with God this year. I'm not terribly disciplined in a regular quiet time. And not just that, but I want to grow closer to Him. And that isn't accomplished by just reading my Bible. I know I need to start trusting more, start praying more, start letting Him live through me more. And that is what I'm striving for more than anything this year. I know it's what I need to do.
And the second thing I'm striving for? Well... I can explain that. Excitement. It's what I want. Last year was not only one of the worse years I've ever had, but it was quite boring. I want to do something really cool and exciting. Like go to Scotland over summer vacation. Okay, that's not happening, but I want to venture out some. Do something totally different for once. I guess I'm becoming one of.... those .... teenagers who wants to venture out and do something crazy and different.

And THAT. Is what I'm looking at doing over the next year.
We'll see how it goes ^_^

Happy New Year to all

~Madison