{out of these ashes}

So.
You'll all recall that a couple of posts ago, I was talking about how my dog, Winston, had been going through major health problems, but was going to be okay.
That all has changed.
Me and my brother are currently at a camp that is two weeks long. I've thoroughly enjoyed myself, laughed a lot, learned heaps and heaps, and just generally had a marvelous time.
Until Sunday afternoon.
My dad called me, and asked me what was up. I proceeded to tell him how me and several of my friends were just chilling out. I was curious as to why he was calling me at all, but I just sat there and talked. My dad's voice started shaking. And he told me the news: Winston was doing badly, still. Even after all the medication we were giving him, he was doing badly. He said there was a big possibility we would have to put him down.
On Monday they drained four pounds of fluid off of him. The vet told my mom there wasn't really anything else we could do. We had tried giving him medication for two or three weeks, but it hasn't helped him at all. He wasn't eating. He was starving to death. We had tried everything to get him to eat, but nothing was working. He proceeded to get worse and worse. My mom told me on Monday afternoon they would wait until Spencer and I got home from camp to put him down. I cried again.
Today, my dad called me. And I knew what he was going to say. He told me they were taking him to put him down. My mom texted me when I was in line for lunch, and told me the reason they had to do it was because he was so agitated, and he hadn't even been able to keep water down. Never in my life have I felt so physically and emotionally drained. It's so painful to know that I wasn't able to tell him goodbye. Or to give him one last kiss. By now, Winston has been put down and has been buried down at my aunt's and uncle's house. I cried in my dorm room for an hour and a half, which is a new record for me (as my typical length of crying would amount to about... two or three minutes... tops?).
As I sat in my room, I pondered all the things I would miss about Winston. And I couldn't stop myself from crying continually. Because he is literally, honestly gone. And that concept is so hard for my mind to wrap around; and it's not only so difficult, it's so painful. And I keep asking the question, "Why?" In things like this, it's so hard to see God's grace and mercy. I keep praying that He'll give me and my family peace and a strength to carry on. But all the same, the timing seems to be the worst. Spencer and I are at camp. My 16th birthday is coming up. School is starting soon. And you begin to wonder what God's plan is. I know He only does what is best, but sometimes it's so difficult to trust Him. But I will trust Him, even tho this time is completely darkened by Winston's death. I believe that beauty will rise from these ashes. I believe God has a purpose. I believe God knows what He is doing. I believe.

But all the things I'll miss about Winston.....
-The way he was always "smiling"
-Him barking every time someone came over
-Him hiding under my brother's bed when he was scared
-The way he wiggled his butt whenever we got home from something
-When he was "blinky" and looked so cuddly
-Whenever he licked me on the face
-His fluffy face that I adore waayyy too much
-When he would come up next to you when he was really tired and sleep right next to you

And before I start crying in the computer lab, I better stop.

I love you Winston. I'll never stop loving you. I miss you. Love you buddy. <3