An Update on the Life of Me

So. I haven't been blogging. But honestly, it's because I simply have nothing to blog about. Life has been pretty utterly boring lately. It's been full of geometry and eating Oreos.
But I suppose I should do a blog post, and thus, I am....

First off, I've been awaiting the arrival of autumn. Of cool air and bright blue skies pumpkins. Honestly, to me, you're completely disturbing if you dislike autumn. As I wrote in my journal, "Autumn contains beautiful colors, warm and cozy tastes, crisp air, bright blue skies, fuzzy sweaters and ripped jeans, crunchy leaves and those malicious sweet gum balls in the thousands, spider lilies, gourds and pumpkins, hay rides, bonfires, s'mores, hot chocolate and apple cider, listening to some Coldplay, OneRepublic, David Crowder, and Parachute, drinking lattes at Starbucks, plum and chocolate colored nail polish, boiled peanuts, shopping for long sleeve shirts and even more fuzzy sweaters, and sitting out in the yard looking at weeds and dead leaves and pumpkins and clear bright blue skies. Not adoring all of those things seems like a completely foreign idea to me. Not wanting all of them so badly you could scream and stomp your little feet seems completely inhuman."

I've also been desperately missing Winston. Although I've been a little bit busy, I still have times when I'm just sitting there and I realize he's gone, and I'll just start crying. It still hurts. I'm getting a little bit used to the idea, but it still catches me off guard a lot of times. I'll expect him to go running to the door when my dad comes in from work, or I'll expect him to be sitting in the floor with me and my mom at night while we talk. I'll expect to hear him running out of his crate in the morning, barking and yelping for food. I miss him lotsandlotsandlotsandlots. And lots.

{mr. fluffykins <3 }

Also, I finally decided to get a tumblr. Wow. I have too much to keep up with... Facebook, Twitter, tumblr, a blog, a Youtube account, and accounts on about a billion scholarship websites (really just three, but it takes up a lot of my time). In any case, back on topic. I have found tumblr wonderful, simply because you can post millions of joyous things a day, and nobody cares. If you want to go see it (you know you do), click here. And follow it. Because you're awesome like that.

Another thing... I've begun school. So I'm officially a junior now. An upperclassman. I feel like screaming with joy and completely freaking out. It's kind of weird to realize that I have completed half of my high school career, and after this year, I have one more year with regular school, and then off to college I go. -gasp- That's a scary thought indeed.... So far this year, I've been doing geometry, botany, literature, Bible, geography, fine arts, history, logic, and all sorts of other delightful things. Hopefully soon I'll be starting Chemistry, psychology, Latin (my third year.... here I come Virgil and Cicero (oh how I do despise and hate you, Cicero)), and Algebra 2. That's the thing with being homeschooled: you tend to carry things from one year to the next. But I'm working my tail off to finish everything up and start some more stuff up. This school year has already been crazy... and it's only been going for three days. That should tell you something.

I was finally reunited with my bestestestest friend ever on Sunday, after a month of not seeing each other. It was a horrible month. I nearly died. I seriously screamed when I saw her. Seriously. Well, I already do that anyway since I love her so much.....

Missed this girl:
And this guy


lotsandlotsandlotsandlots.
Because they're awesome.
And I wish they were here.
COME BACK TO ME JORDAN & MEGAN.

And although I could go on and on about all the other things I've been doing, I really should be playing piano right now.
But I hope all of you have a fantastic day/week/however long until I post next.
Goodnight to everyone.

{out of these ashes}

So.
You'll all recall that a couple of posts ago, I was talking about how my dog, Winston, had been going through major health problems, but was going to be okay.
That all has changed.
Me and my brother are currently at a camp that is two weeks long. I've thoroughly enjoyed myself, laughed a lot, learned heaps and heaps, and just generally had a marvelous time.
Until Sunday afternoon.
My dad called me, and asked me what was up. I proceeded to tell him how me and several of my friends were just chilling out. I was curious as to why he was calling me at all, but I just sat there and talked. My dad's voice started shaking. And he told me the news: Winston was doing badly, still. Even after all the medication we were giving him, he was doing badly. He said there was a big possibility we would have to put him down.
On Monday they drained four pounds of fluid off of him. The vet told my mom there wasn't really anything else we could do. We had tried giving him medication for two or three weeks, but it hasn't helped him at all. He wasn't eating. He was starving to death. We had tried everything to get him to eat, but nothing was working. He proceeded to get worse and worse. My mom told me on Monday afternoon they would wait until Spencer and I got home from camp to put him down. I cried again.
Today, my dad called me. And I knew what he was going to say. He told me they were taking him to put him down. My mom texted me when I was in line for lunch, and told me the reason they had to do it was because he was so agitated, and he hadn't even been able to keep water down. Never in my life have I felt so physically and emotionally drained. It's so painful to know that I wasn't able to tell him goodbye. Or to give him one last kiss. By now, Winston has been put down and has been buried down at my aunt's and uncle's house. I cried in my dorm room for an hour and a half, which is a new record for me (as my typical length of crying would amount to about... two or three minutes... tops?).
As I sat in my room, I pondered all the things I would miss about Winston. And I couldn't stop myself from crying continually. Because he is literally, honestly gone. And that concept is so hard for my mind to wrap around; and it's not only so difficult, it's so painful. And I keep asking the question, "Why?" In things like this, it's so hard to see God's grace and mercy. I keep praying that He'll give me and my family peace and a strength to carry on. But all the same, the timing seems to be the worst. Spencer and I are at camp. My 16th birthday is coming up. School is starting soon. And you begin to wonder what God's plan is. I know He only does what is best, but sometimes it's so difficult to trust Him. But I will trust Him, even tho this time is completely darkened by Winston's death. I believe that beauty will rise from these ashes. I believe God has a purpose. I believe God knows what He is doing. I believe.

But all the things I'll miss about Winston.....
-The way he was always "smiling"
-Him barking every time someone came over
-Him hiding under my brother's bed when he was scared
-The way he wiggled his butt whenever we got home from something
-When he was "blinky" and looked so cuddly
-Whenever he licked me on the face
-His fluffy face that I adore waayyy too much
-When he would come up next to you when he was really tired and sleep right next to you

And before I start crying in the computer lab, I better stop.

I love you Winston. I'll never stop loving you. I miss you. Love you buddy. <3

Crying for Joy

This is a first in my life.
Call me unemotional... it's what I am.
But I have never cried for joy until....
Now.

I'm sitting here typing with tears rolling down my cheeks trying to find some way to thank God for what He has done.
This past week has been the longest, and one of the hardest weeks of my life. If you've been reading my blog for even a month or two, you'll recall that about a month ago was our dog's - Winston - birthday. Just turned four years old. I can't even express how much I love that dog.
Call me obsessed.... it's what I am.
Anyway, on June 21st, a little over two weeks ago, tho it feels like two months ago, we took Winston in to be groomed. Winston had been acting kind of strange the past two months or so. He had become very quiet rather than being his rambunctious self, and he was barely eating, which was unbelievably strange for him. He has been obsessed with food pretty much ever since we got him. But even though he hadn't been eating, he looked fat.
Or, rather, he looked fat.
But he wasn't. We got him back from the groomer, and found that his whole back was completely emaciated. Nothing but bones. Yet his stomach was huge - it was bloated.
We took him to the vet that Friday, being so completely freaked out about his health. They drained two pounds of fluid off of him. Two. Whole. Pounds. Kind of freaked us out, but it explained for the bloat. We hoped he would get better.
Took him back in on Monday. And what happened? They drained two and a half more pounds of fluid off of him. The vet told suggested to us that we take him up to an emergency animal hospital... two hours away from here. I was freaking out. I knew this was big time. Not good. I cried a lot that day. And I never cry. I even went somewhere without nearly a scrap of makeup on, and that tells you something right there. We drove all the way up to this emergency hospital. They took Winston back. We saw a vet soon after we got there, who told us the possibilities of what Winston had. One of them being cancer, which appeared likely, and of course unfortunately something that couldn't be fixed. The vet told us how much the testing would cost, and it blew us away. The cost was unbelievable. My mom called my dad to ask what he wanted to do. He said no. We went back home... a long two hour drive back home.
On Tuesday of last week, my mom called our local vet to see if there was anything else we could do. She said there wasn't, since we didn't have any kind of a diagnosis. I cried more that day. Lots more.
Oh, and I must put in a side note to explain why this was so intense for us. Me and my brother are about to go to a two week long worldview summer camp in a few days, and we were afraid Winston would either have to be put down beforehand, which would lessen our experience, or that Winston would die while we were gone, again making it impossible to get anything out of camp. That just made it all the harder to handle.
Anyway, our local vet told my mom pretty much the only thing we could do is put him down. But that would be without knowing if we could have helped him or not. My mom called my dad once again, aannddd my dad changed his mind. We took Winston back up to the emergency hospital on Tuesday. Four hour round trip two days in a row will wear you out.

They did the last test on Winston on Thursday, and we picked him up Friday. From Friday on, it's been the longest four days ever. Winston, on Friday night, was completely out. He looked really bad, really sick, really close to dieing. I spent the night with my cousin Friday night, only to get a call from my mom on Saturday at 8 in the morning telling me to come home as quickly as I could. The insinuation being Winston was about to die. I threw all my stuff in a bag, didn't change, didn't put my contacts in, nothin. Got home, and Winston seemed okay, and I was wondering exactly what the rush was. About an hour later my dad called me back. Winston had almost stopped breathing. My dad was sure he wouldn't live until noon. And yet, he lived on. Lived through that whole day. Even ate a little bit.

{winston on the way back from the emergency hospital}

Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday were just long days. Long days of uncertainty. My dad was positive Winston had cancer, because he had watched his mom die of cancer, and Winston had all the same symptoms. I woke up several mornings feeling sick inside.
I've spent a good amount of time crying this past week. I've spent a lot more time praying and trusting God. I've even been frustrated with God. But nonetheless I've tried to trust Him with everything in me.
And maybe you're thinking right now I'm too obsessed with my dog. But let me tell you, he's like a child to me. And the fact that he is only four years old just made it seem so wrong.
I've cried. I've prayed. I've trusted. I've wrestled with reality. I've written in my journal. I've read my Bible to find the only source of comfort that I have.
The vet up at the emergency hospital called yesterday, telling us the results from the biopsy would be back today. And I was expecting the worse - some kind of cancer. I prayed all day yesterday, all day today. Praying that all of us would have the strength to take whatever God's will was. Neither of our dogs have ever just been "the dog" that sits around the house and exists. They're both absolutely bound into our lives, and they're like children to all of us. Losing either of them would be an extreme loss for our whole family. I knew we'd all need strength and peace from God to take the hardest news, and what seemed the most probable news.
The vet called about an hour ago. My heart rate hit the ceiling. My mom talked with her for a long time. I was afraid for the worst since they were talking so long. What was happening? Then I heard my mom talking with my brother. She was laughing.
Wait.
She was laughing?
Surely she wouldn't be laughing or at all happy if Winston weren't okay.
My mom came back to my room. I was still nervous.
My mom said they found no traces of cancer, no reason to believe he had cancer.
What he had was treatable.
As soon as my mom left I shut my door and tears started streaming down my face. I couldn't believe it. Winston is going to be okay. I'm still so shocked. I honestly thought it was God's will that Winston would die within the next month. But it sounds like he'll be with us several more years. And I cannot thank God enough for that. I can't believe it. I feel like I'm in some joyful dream.
I seriously hope I don't wake up.



{sorry for a super long, super melodramatic post. I felt the need of getting all these emotions out somewhere. I promise my next post won't be nearly so melodramatic}

Sweet lil Fluff Ball is 4

I can hardly believe it. My little baby, fluffy, adorable, stupid, wonderful, happy little boy is 4 today! Okay, technically he isn't -mine-, he's my brother's dog. But all the same, Winston is still a family dog, and he'll hang out with all of us.
That is, if he's in the mood.
When we first brought him home, he looked like he does in the picture above. That was our first picture of our new dog. It was kind of exciting, and yet kind of stressful. This dog was -weird-. Well bred, supposedly. But beyond the shadow of a doubt, he was a strange dog. Not normal. We brought him into the back yard, at 3 months, and all he did was sit. He didn't want to run around or sniff or anything. He just sat there and panted and sat and panted and sat and panted and sat. That in and of itself freaked us out, because when we got our first dog, all she wanted to do was run around and try to figure things out. But Winston just sat there. Finally we tried to bring him into the house. And he just sat. Then he laid down. But did he move from that one particular tiny place in the whole house? Nope. We were actually quite scared something was wrong with him. Finally, we decided to put him in his crate. And that dog was asleep in two seconds, and he slept hard, let me tell you. I think his crate could have fallen in on top of him and he wouldn't have noticed. When he woke up, he made the first distinct memory in me. My brother was playing guitar, and Winston looked up slowly, and stared at Spencer, and then his head started bobbing. To the beat of the guitar music. And he did it for as long as Spencer was playing. It was absolutely hilarious, and he's never done it again, but that is my first distinct memory of Winston.
But Winston wasn't exactly what we had first expected. At first we expected a very quiet, sweet dog who never did anything wrong.
-snorts back laughter-
Two or three nights later, my whole family was up the whole night, because that dog would not shut up for anything. He was whining and howling literally the whole night.
And we soon found out this dog was the most rambunctious, misbehaving, clever little puppy in the world. For instance, when we were trying to teach Winston how to come...? Eh. That didn't go over so well. Our yard back then was huge. Lots of space to run around in. You'd think, though, when you're chasing this tiny little ball of fluff, you'd be able to catch him pretty easily.
Wrong again. I remember several times chasing Winston around the yard for 10 or 15 minutes before I was able to catch him, or sometimes just gave up. He was a mess. He was annoying. He was so dern cute.
Honestly, I've rarely met a dog as misbehaving as Winston. But all the same, we can't help but love him. He's so cute, and so sweet.
Most of the time. The picture above was from Winston's first Christmas. That dog was absolutely hilarious, and my family was in fits of laughter the whole morning. Winston had an addiction to bows back then, apparently. There was this one bow in particular that he absolutely loved. It was a mini bow, and the whole thing could fit in his mouth. Winston has a reputation for eating inedible things, and so we were trying to figure out what was in his mouth. He finally dropped it. A whole bow. In his mouth. Later on that morning we found another bow back in the hallway shredded to pieces.
I remember another time, Winston found some knitting back in my room. And Winston is like a cat sometimes. For instance, he likes yarn. A lot. He dragged the ball of yarn from my room all the way down the hallway (and it was an extremely long hallway too) to my brother's room.
He has also been known for shredding Spanish moss and toilet paper all the way down that hallway as well.
As I said before, Winston has a reputation for eating. Anything. We've nicknamed him "the goat" because he eats absolutely everything in sight.
In his first year, he ate - a snail, a dead cicada (a wing was hanging out of his mouth when he came in), and a dried up dead frog.
Just yesterday, my dad found him eating a dead black bird in the back yard.
Considering all of this, it's amazing I'll let his face get that close to mine.
Oh, Winston is also a very literate dog. For instance, once he found "A Taste of Chaucer", which is an old, rare version of Chaucer that we got for cheap at a book sale. Well, Winston took the "taste" part of it literally. And. Well. He had a nice taste of the binding.
But for all of his mischief, Winston is extremely sweet. It used to be that he wouldn't get close to anybody for anything. But now, if he's really tired, or "blinky" as we call him, he'll get all cuddly and just sit there with you and let you scratch him. And even though he has spent literally whole days whining (and still does sometimes), he'll eventually be quiet and just sit there and stare at you as you squeal out how adorable he is.
When we got Winston, I thought he was just going to be "the dog." You know. He sits there. He exists. You pet him. You feed him.
But honestly, in September of 2007, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Because now, this little butter ball has absolutely stolen my heart. Which is why I call him "mah boyfraannddd."
I love Winston.
And that is all I have to say.

"We long for an affection altogether ignorant of our faults. Heaven
has accorded this to us
in the uncritical canine attachment."
{george eliot}